[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!