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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
What the hell happened in there??
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Mistakes were made
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem