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McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
You have been warned.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.