Suuuuure
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
i will not be silenced
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*