Suuuuure
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MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Mad Max Arctic Road
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple