@iamspacegirl

Sven is short for Sventipede.

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@kimtopher22

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

@b0dymassage

“HELP!” Joe pants.

“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.

“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

@omgitsdef

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

@sonictyrant

Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

@mostunladylike

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

@momTruthBomb

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

@animaldrumss

No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.

@dugglebutt

*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*