@iamspacegirl

Sven is short for Sventipede.

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@AudreyPorne

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

@carebear4647

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

@fro_vo

Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite

@HeidiCF8

I put my pants on like everyone else… As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.

@AntozWolf

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@Marlebean

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*