“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Sven is short for Sventipede.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
I put my pants on like everyone else… As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*