Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Sven is short for Sventipede.
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“HELP!” Joe pants.
“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.
“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back
Mojo: still no
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.
*cactus hasn’t died in a year*
*adds botanist to resumé*