{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
fourth time’s the charm
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My love language is deader than Latin
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.