Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*