Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: