Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

The cake is mightier than the sword.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food