swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.