Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.