*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
In Canada they just call them geese
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.