Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.