*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.