*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.