Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

How actors in movies eat their food

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

💀🤣

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels