swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently