swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?