swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
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Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My circle of trust is a meatball
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-