Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter