Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

OH. COME. ON.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud