Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
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Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.