Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
You Might Also Like
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
NASA has no chill
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil