SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.