SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*