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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
(Musicians.)
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers