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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.