Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.