Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns