Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.