Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’m not lazy
