Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Traveler’s camo

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

HERE’S MARKY

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew