Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up phone
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~me, doing cardio

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

synchronized noseblowing

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.