Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

Feel. He’s so soft.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.