Swedish for common sense.
You Might Also Like
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty