Swedish for common sense.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.