Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.