[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What鈥檚 for dinner?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
No, Grandma; you can鈥檛 pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.