Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.