[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
WHO DID THIS?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question