[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.