Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Dumplings,

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.