Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
When he asks for feet pics
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.