Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

How to find Kentucky on a map

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

I need to sieze this.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Let’s Go

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*