Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
You Might Also Like
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Always the vampires
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
everyone’s a critic
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
This could be us but you eatin’
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.