Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
SPLOOT
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*