If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”