Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

No laws when master is gone

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.