Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Why soy sad?

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

🙅🏻

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

A completely valid reaction tbh

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*