sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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One of the best
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
A Short Story.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
