sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Spider-cat: No One Home
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Saw online –
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes