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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
boat question
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??