sweet dreams馃挅
You Might Also Like
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I鈥檓 not flirting with disaster, we鈥檙e eloping.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there鈥檚 a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i鈥檓 going in
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn鈥檛 want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can鈥檛 help you now
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i鈥檓 adorable
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe