sweet dreamsđź’–
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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill