sweet dreamsđ
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Mom asked about a stock sheâs owned for 20yrs called Amazon & Iâve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
LA today:
Weâre just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we donât have to show our face
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places wonât let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Them: you have such a youthful face! Whatâs your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
â˘look at it
â˘smell it
â˘rub the top
â˘fall off it if I stand on it
â˘spin the wheels with my fingers
â˘sell it
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. Heâs my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: Iâll have cereal
1970s: âHey babyâ
1990s: âHey babeâ
2014: âHey baeâ
2020: âHey bâ
2030: âAll hail our glorious squirrel overlordsâ
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbourâs lot.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* weâre taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like weâre in quite the pickle
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I donât want to wake my sleeping pills.
ME: iâve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches âdoctorâ* haha youâre right, they look awesome
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Actual voice mail:
âMolly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I donât know how to make the facey-things soâŚhappy face at the end.â
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, âWhat? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.â
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, âIT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEYâRE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!â
I once started a âThink for yourselfâ cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder whatâs going on there.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, heâs all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: âŚyes.
[job interview]
âTell me about yourself.â
I have a lot of experience.
âGreat, can you elaborate?â
Theyâre bad experiences.
I put on my husbandâs deodorant and now Iâm angry at the way I load the dishwasher.