Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.