sweet dreams💖
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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
mentally somewhere in italy
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.