sweet dreams💖
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think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
A new level of troll.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?