Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

can’t catch a break

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Spell check is for lasers.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Legend 🤣🤣

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.