sweet dreamsđ
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Okay Canada. Youâve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users arenât biologically or physically possible.
I yelled at my wife âYour skirt is way too shortâ
She replied, âThatâs because itâs made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to meâ
âIâm so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Webâ, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Mirror mirror on the floor, whoâs the worst at home decor?
Whatâs the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamsterâs funeral?
If youâre having a bad day , just remember âŚ
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but letâs see what else is lying around first.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. Iâve seen yâall fight, and frankly, itâs not gonna cut it.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
âdid you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyoneâs sandwiches for them in the break room.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: youâre just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasnât hacked
Me: You werenât worried?
Dad: Not at all, youâre not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if Iâd be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someoneâs will.
Funny cuz itâs true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him â said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Friend: Hey man I havenât seen you since you had a baby. Howâs parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: Thatâs right. Parents are kid farmers.
I donât understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, youâre part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: Iâll never have $100,000
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left