Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Sorry not sorry.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

christening a ship with an overripe banana