Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.