sweet dreams馃挅
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
There鈥檚 just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I鈥檒l most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Kid: Mom, the light鈥檚 on in my closet.
Me: That鈥檚 weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I鈥檓 leaving you
Her: fine with me, I鈥檒l get the door for you *opens the oven*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it鈥檚 al dente
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Tom Holland鈥檚 nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom