Sweet. Free refrigerators!
You Might Also Like
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
