Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.