Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
You Might Also Like
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
subtitles are so good nowadays
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
This hospital has everything
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.