Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
This has made my week.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair