Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When you put it that way… 😂
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion