Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
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Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.