Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The only equipped I am is ill.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
did it work
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.