Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

this is uni

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed